![\"No-Shame-No-Blame-Hats-bhav\"](\"https:\/\/cdn.propertyupdate.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/No-Shame-No-Blame-Hats-bhav.jpg\")
<\/p>\nI\u2019m a huge advocate of\u00a0the \u201cno shame, no blame\u201d rule\u00a0when it comes to money.<\/p>\n
But I think there\u2019s some confusion about how the rule works.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not that you won\u2019t feel guilt.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s also not about avoiding responsibility.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Instead, it\u2019s about recognizing the zero-sum game of relying on shame and blame to make better money decisions.<\/p>\n
Bren\u00e9 Brown, perhaps best known for her TEDx Houston talk on \u201cThe Power of Vulnerability\u201d (she also did\u00a0a great one on shame), has spent more than a decade studying vulnerability, courage, shame and worthiness.<\/p>\n
Through her work, she has found that shame isn\u2019t a very effective tool for changing behaviour.<\/strong><\/p>\n For real change, we need to reframe the conversation by understanding the role of guilt and encouraging people to take responsibility.<\/p>\n During a recent conversation between Dr Brown and Tim Ferriss, it became clear to me that the \u201cno shame, no blame\u201d rule may be one of the most important rules we need to follow when it comes to personal finance.<\/p>\n Note: <\/span> The level of importance grows when it involves a spouse or partner.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/h4>\n Dr. Brown writes that, \u201cShame isn\u2019t a motivator of positive change.<\/p>\n Yes, it can be used in the short term to change a behaviour, but it\u2019s like hitting a plastic thumbtack with a 100-pound anvil \u2014 there are consequences to the crushing.\u201d \r\n\r\n\r\n What a powerful image!<\/p>\n Not only does shame fail at changing behaviour, it can also trigger the very mistakes we\u2019re trying to avoid.<\/p>\n I imagine more than a few of us think that shaming criminals will prevent them from reoffending.<\/strong><\/p>\n Think of the judges\u00a0who make people hold up signs\u00a0declaring their crime<\/p>\n It seems like a perfect punishment for bad behaviour.<\/p>\n But in 2014, researchers from George Mason University found \u201cthat inmates who feel guilt about specific behaviours are more likely to stay out of jail later on, whereas those that are inclined to feel shame about the self might not.\u201d<\/p>\n The data also showed that when inmates were defensive and avoided responsibility, they \u201cwere more likely to slip back into crime.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n It helps if we understand the true definitions of shame and guilt.<\/p>\n I love how Dr. Brown explains the differences.<\/p>\n Shame is something we internalize, and we capture it with a statement like, \u201cI\u2019m a bad person.\u201d<\/p>\n With guilt, we focus on the action and say, \u201cI made a mistake. That\u2019s really dumb.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, we make shame about us, but guilt is about the event.<\/p>\n Imagine there was a financial \u201cevent,\u201d and with the benefit of hindsight, you label that event a mistake.<\/p>\n What happens next has probably happened to all of us at least once.<\/p>\n One or both of you may have shamed and blamed the other for the mistake.<\/p>\n One couple I know experienced such an event, and I have watched them shame and blame each other for the last decade.<\/strong><\/p>\n What good did that do?<\/p>\n We have to assume that on some level this couple and others like them use shame and blame because of a misinformed self-interest.<\/p>\n They must truly believe that shame and blame will make things better and may even improve their relationships.<\/p>\n Most of us are trying to prevent future mistakes without realizing that shame and blame won\u2019t fix what needs fixing.<\/p>\n So to help you stick to the rule, I want you to grab a hat and a Sharpie.<\/p>\n No, really.<\/p>\n Grab an actual hat and a Sharpie.<\/strong><\/p>\n Maybe one of those trucker hats with an oversized crown.<\/p>\n Then, across the front, write, \u201cNo shame. No blame.\u201d<\/p>\n Every time you talk about money, wear your hat.<\/p>\n Yes, wearing a trucker hat with \u201cNo shame. No blame\u201d written across the front sounds silly.<\/p>\n But it provides a tangible reminder of the real purpose of the rule: to get better, however you define that, at making smarter financial decisions.<\/p>\n Editor's note: This blog was originally published a number of years ago, but we have republished it for the benefit of our many new subscribers.<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m a huge advocate of\u00a0the \u201cno shame, no blame\u201d rule\u00a0when it comes to money. But I think there\u2019s some confusion about how the rule works. It\u2019s not that you won\u2019t feel guilt. It\u2019s also not about avoiding responsibility. Instead, it\u2019s about recognizing the zero-sum game of relying on shame and blame to make better money…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":69,"featured_media":54981,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[54,653],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-53017","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-latest-property-updates","category-personal-finance"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n![\"pencil](\"https:\/\/propertyupdate.com.au\/wp-content\/themes\/oldpaper\/img\/note.svg\")
<\/picture><\/span><\/div><\/p>\n![\"wedding\"](\"https:\/\/cdn.propertyupdate.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/wedding-ring-marriage-love-partner-divorce-800x533.jpg\")
<\/p>\nThink about the last money conversation you may have had with a spouse or partner<\/h4>\n
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